Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts

Thursday, June 03, 2010

REST-Room

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place

PhotobucketOnce it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty.

You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there were one,but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless (God I should have gone to the gym!!!) thigh muscles begin to shake.

You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance".

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To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That will have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.

The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
It is wet of course.

You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat becauseYOU never laid downtoilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

PhotobucketYou know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly,dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get".

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.

The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.

You're e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d.
You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, .....so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them.
A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe.(Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this".

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom.
Annoyed, he asks,"What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? You've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs.It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse, and hand you Kleenex under the door!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Swimsuit

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Monday, March 08, 2010

Thanks for the E-mails

I just want to thank all of my wonderful friends for your educational e-mails over the years. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. Thanks go Gracie for Forwarding this one to me. It made me laugh out loud *LOL* so I had to re-post!


  • I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.


  • I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.  I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.


  • I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).


  • Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.


  • I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.


  • I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.




  • ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.


  • I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time..


  • I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.


  • I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.




  • I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers..


  • I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.


  • THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.


  • BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and clear clogged drains.


  • I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.




  • I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.


  • I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. In fact, I no longer use a microwave!


  • AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. disfiguring me for life.


  • I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.


  • I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.




  • I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.


  • I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.


  • I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ..


  • I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.


  • THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.


  • AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.




  • I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!


  • I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.


  • I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water splashes over 6 ft.. out of the commode.



  • Oh, by the way.....

    A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read with their hand on the mouse..

    Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

    Saturday, March 06, 2010

    Water or Wine

    To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...
    And those who don't and are always
    seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

    As Ben Franklin said:
    In wine there is wisdom,
    In beer there is freedom,
    In water there is bacteria.

    In a number of carefully controlled trials,
    Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
    1 litre of water each day,
    At the end of the year we would have absorbed
    More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - Bacteria found in feces.
    In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..

    However,
    We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
    (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
    Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
    Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

    Remember:
    Water = Poop,
    Wine = Health.
    Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
    Than to drink water and be full of poop.

    There is no need to thank me for this valuable information,  I'm doing it as a public service!

    Wednesday, January 13, 2010

    The Three Little Pigs

    A Kindergarten teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read: ...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

    The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man
    said?'

    One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I
    think the man would have said - 'Well, I'll be damned!! A talking pig!'

    Wednesday, December 30, 2009

    How 'bout a laugh?

    Translation for Women's English:
    No = Yes
    Yes = No
    Maybe = No
    We Need = I Want
    I'm Sorry = You'll be sorry
    We Need to Talk = You're in trouble
    Sure, Go Ahead = You'd better not
    Do What You Want = You'll pay for this later
    I am NOT Upset = Of course I'm upset, you Moron!
    You're Very Attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

    Translation for Men's English:
    I'm hungry = I'm hungry
    I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
    Nice dress = Nice cleavage
    I love you = Let's have sex NOW!
    I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
    May I have this Dance = Do you want to have sex?
    Can I call you sometime = Do you want to have sex?
    Do you want to go to a movie = Do you want to have sex?
    Can I take you out to dinner = Do you want to have sex?
    Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay!

    I love you honey. Don't forget to pick up milk on the way home...oh, and the filter number for the fridge is 4396710.

    Tuesday, August 11, 2009

    "Shoo Wee Momma, You Farted!"

    The children began to identify the flavors by their color: Red was cherry, Yellow was lemon, Green was lime, and Orange was of course orange.

    Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste. The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

    One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

    The teacher had to leave the room!

    This story makes me laugh because it reminds me so much of my son! He always says the first thing that pops into his head no matter how embarrassing or uncouth it may be.

    As we were wheeling and dealing with a car salesman today, Tyler comes up to me and says, very loudly..."Shoo Wee Momma, you farted." Thank goodness I hadn't because I would have been completely and utterly embarrassed. I told him to stop saying that and he continued to get louder and proclaim that I DID fart because he could smell it. Finally I used the 'ole Elementary school tactic to shut him up. I admitted that it was not my fart he was smelling, but his stinky upper lip. He stopped, puckered up and began to sniff. This preoccupied him enough that he forgot the whole charade within minutes and I wanted to tell him after the salesman had left the room that you don't ever say things like that in the presence of others. It's not nice and it makes people uncomfortable and embarrassed. I am not sure that a four year old can grasp that concept, but hopefully next time that I really DO let one slip he won't announce it to the world! *LOL*

    Friday, July 31, 2009

    The Momma Test

    I was out walking with my 3-year-old son. He picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in his mouth. I took the item away from him and I asked him not to do that. 'Why?' he asked. 'Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs,' I replied..

    At this point, my son looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Mama, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.' I was thinking quickly.. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mama Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mama.'


    We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but he was evidently pondering this new information. 'Oh.....I get it!' he beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad.'


    *(This was not an actual conversation between Tyler and myself, it was an e-mail forward, but I loved it so much I just had to post it!)

    Thursday, February 12, 2009

    Stop Yelling!

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    Monday, January 19, 2009

    Manic Monday - Office


    Okay, I'm takin' over the office today. Here's the new water cooler:

    If anyone, especially the boss has a message please use these pads:

    Okay, now back to work!!!

    Tuesday, November 04, 2008

    Ever Feel Like This?

    Saturday, November 01, 2008

    Wal-Mart Bingo

    Next time you visit Wal-Mart, print this card out and take it with you.
    See if you can Bingo while you're there!

    You can click on the photo to see it larger.

    Wednesday, October 22, 2008

    "Get A Rope"

    Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.
    10 men and 1 woman.
    The rope was not strong enough to carry them
    all, so they decided that 1 had to leave,
    because otherwise they were all going to fall.
    They weren't able to choose that person,
    until the woman gave a very touching speech.
    She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because,
    as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her
    husband and kids or for men in general, and was
    used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
    As soon as she finished her speech,
    all the men started clapping.
    I guess they needed some industrial clamps didn't they?!

    Wednesday, October 08, 2008

    Wordless Wednesday - Do YOU Love YOUR Job?!

    My 81st
    Wednesday

    Friday, October 03, 2008

    Tough Love?

    Most of the American populace thinks it improper to spank children, so I tried other methods to control my kids when they had one of "those moments"

    One that I found effective for me was to just take the child for a car ride and talk.

    Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.

    Either way, my kids usually calmed down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.  Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.

    I've included a photo below of one of my sessions, in case you would like to use the technique.

    Sunday, September 28, 2008

    Where's Your Bed?

    During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
    you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

    'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

    'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor.
    'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

    'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.
    Do you want a bed near the window?'

    I found this while clearing some things from my hard drive and thought you might enjoy.

    Sunday, September 14, 2008

    My New Diet

    This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the Stress that builds during the day and since my days are filled with stress and my nights are sleepless, I thought it'd be worth a try.  If anyone else wants to join me, let me know!  *wink* I think I'll give it a try until I can find some new diet pills that will make the fat just melt away.

    Breakfast:
    1 grapefruit
    1 slice whole wheat toast
    1 cup skim milk


    Lunch:
    1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
    1 cup spinach
    1 cup herbal tea
    1 Hershey's kiss


    Afternoon Snack:
    The rest of the Hershey kisses in the bag
    1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips

    Dinner:
    4 glasses of wine (red or white)
    2 loaves garlic bread
    1 family size supreme pizza
    3 Snickers Bars


    Late Night Snack:
    1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

    Tuesday, August 19, 2008

    Men Are Happy Part 2

    *People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
    *New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
    *One mood all the time.
    *You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
    *You can play with toys all your life.
    *You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
    *You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
    *You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
    *Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
    *Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
    *You almost never have strap problems in public.
    *You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
    *Everything on your face stays its original color.
    *The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
    *You only have to shave your face and neck.
    *Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
    *A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
    *You can open all or your own jars.
    *You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
    *If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

    Friday, August 15, 2008

    Men Are Happy

    Men are generally just happier than women. 
    Do you wanna know why you are happier, men? 
    Well, here goes:
    *Your last name stays put.*
    *The garage is all yours.*
    *Wedding plans take care of themselves.*
    *Chocolate is just another snack.*
    *You can be President.*
    *You can never be pregnant.*
    *You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park*
    *You can wear NO shirt to a water park*
    *Car mechanics tell you the truth.*
    *The world is your urinal*
    *You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky*
    *You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.*
    *Wrinkles add character.
    *Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

    But wait...there's more to come!!

    Tuesday, July 29, 2008

    Gotta Love Little Boys

    Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
    After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will rot your teeth, make you fat and force you to spends thousands of dollars on treatments for acne."

    Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

    The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

    Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"